DWTS Finale Recap Part I: I Wanna Be Sharna’s Bitch

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Oh dear … so we’re not holding back tonight and diving right in with a very serious montage of each of the finalists.  Carlos, Alek, Bindi, and our eternally lovely Nick Carter give us their intense faces (see below).

I HAVE ALREADY VOTED SEVERAL TIMES AND YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME!

Does everyone remember how to vote?  Because fuck waiting until the end of this post to give you the info:

CALL 1855-234-5610 five times on every phone line available to you!!! (You have until 1 hour after the show is over in your time zone!)

VISIT http://vote-e.abc.go.com/shows/dancing-with-the-stars/vote/season-21 !!!

CLICK http://apps.facebook.com/votedwts !!!

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Meghan Trainor is here and no one knows why but Tom goes with it so I’ll have to do the same.

Erin Andrews begins explaining the rules of the finale, and while I’ve been watching this show for too long, I still don’t understand them.

We begin with Carlos because he’s the least interesting of the finalists.  Witney quotes Will Smith and already I know these next two days spent with this show will be the longest of my life. Also: today was the first time I realized that Witney doesn’t have an H in her name. She and Carlos dance to The Weeknd who doesn’t have an E in his name.

They get perfect tens but we all know it matters not.  Carlos has no chance at winning this.

Before we head to the commercial, Nick tells us that “this is the fight to end all fights” and I giggle uncontrollably. I remain impressd that DWTS has kept up the tension.

Alek is up next and complains he can’t get sexy.  It isn’t your partner, dude.

They keep talking about Alek’s perfect score from last week but, like Carlo’s scores this week, you know it’s just a gift from the judges to help this piece of wood go out with pride. The judges praise Alek for – I shit you not – “moving his hips.”  Imagine being on a show about dancing for two months and have that be the best thing anyone can say about you. Alek echoes the judges and says he’s happy to have made it this far, knowing he will  not come out the winner.

Nick is relating missteps on Dancing With The Stars to missteps in life and between this and Will Smith quotes we’re getting heavy. Nick is affecting a Christian Bale Batman voice and I forget how much I dislike network television for a moment.

Nick and Sharna are both wearing red and dancing their asses off. I feel like I’m watching two Hot Tamale candies dance.  I am FLOORED by this routine and how great they both look.  For once I’m with the audience of this show as they explode in applause.

(My computer is trash today so you’ll need to check out the video here)

I have to say, for a large part of the competition I kept thinking I would love to watch Sharna and Nick have sex.  I now realize I just wish I could hook up with Sharna because holy sheeeeeeeeeeeit she is fire. Ask your boyfriend if you’re allowed to have a girlfriend, Sharna.

They get perfect 10’s and it’s the only time tonight I think it won’t be enough. They should get double that just because if someone could harness the heat generated on that stage you could power a small city.

Erin Andrews interviews Nick and mentions how much she – Erin Andrews – has helped him throughout the competition.  Erin is unable to do a post-dance interview without mentioning herself.  I’d dare her to do that during her NFL interviews but whatever, right?

Bindi is up next and OH DEAR NO DEREK HAS A ….cough. Oh… oh okay.

Bindi is the last remaining female amongst a boys club, making her the Jennifer Lawrence of this show.  She dances really well and I sigh heavily knowing she’s Nick’s only competition and has been since the first show. Her dress was perfectly chosen, her footwork seemed great, and the judges are about to hand out another set of perfect 10’s.

Now seems like a good time to mention I’ll be live tweeting the show tomorrow from our Twitter account and Rose will be following up with our last recap blog!

Derek legit looks like the devil that appears on the shoulders of cartoon characters.

These musical performances are excessive and useless (albeit it performed by reasonably talented people) but at least I can take this time to bring our attention to something important: Bruno’s suit looks like it is made from fancy curtains.

Sharna says she needs Nick to use the “Backstreet swag” and somewhere out there Howie D. is winking knowing that he has been hording it for years. Sorry Sharna. That shit is taken. Nick will need to muster up some other magic to beat Bindi Irwin.

Carlos says that the freestyle can either win you or lose you the Mirror Ball and we all know he’s talking about somene else since he will not win. In order to assure a loss, he recruites his equally boring wife Alexa and PAULA DEEN. He was better off with Chaka Khan (OMG GUYS REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS ON THIS SHOW? We’ve comes so far together…).

Alek gets around the whole issue of not being able to dance by marching for his freestyle.  Watching him dance is like watching the making of a claymation movie.

We’re back to Bindi and Derek’s Zach Morris inspired coif. They perform beautifully and everyone cries and loves Bindi and they get anther perfect score.

Nick is up next and where did this version of Larger Than Life come from…? Recorded for backing track? A foreign commercial? It’s rad.

Nick does a wonderful job as we knew he would and I assume he too will end up with perfect scores (but not before Erin Andrews gets to talk about something involving Erin Andrews).

We’ve reached the end of the show and somehow Alek stays and Carlos goes home.  It’s anticlimactic in the sense that none of us really care about either of them.

But NICK IS IN THE FINALS as we had predicted from day one. Bindi is gonna come strong, people – so make sure to vote and we’ll see you tomorrow!!!

 

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