DWTS Recap Four: Downton Dancing

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Every now and again in this life you’ll get to experience the pleasure of having two things that you unabashedly love somehow overlap like the sweet spot in a Venn diagram. Tonight, my pop culture Venn diagram contains the faces of Nick Carter and Lady Mary Crawley.

I am a HUGE fan of Downton Abbey.  It’s a daytime soap opera set on a beautiful landscape.  According to Nick, he’s a fan and regularly watches the show, which I find adorable.  I bet Nick loves that Maggie Smith and I hope I get the chance to ask him to play fuck, marry, kill with the Crawley sisters (he’d def kill Edith but who wouldn’t). Anyway…

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So right off the bat since we’re talking in math terms, lemme hit you with this equation: Miss Piggy > Erin Andrews. Tom is bearable when he’s next to someone with a little more personality.

Nick looks SO ADORABLE in those tails.  The camera is loving him, as usual. I’m trying to pretend Andy doesn’t exist.

Carlos dances to The Golden Girls theme song and I’m singing along and eating  an imaginary cheesecake. Both Carlos and Whitney are dressed like Sophia, which is at first a bit unnerving and then makes total sense.  The only thing missing was a ‘Shady Pines’ sign in the background.

Alfonso Ribeiro is a guest judge today and is super serious about judging this show. I’m waiting for DJ Jazzy Jeff to show up. It hits me a beat late that Alfonso is here because DUH! this week’s competition is TV show theme songs.  I have to start staying sober before I begin writing these….

Here’s a picture of Nick Carter dancing with the Dowager Countess  because I’d like to believe this is how he practiced for this week:

A CARNIVAL FILMS PRODUCTION FOR ITV1 2011 DOWNTON ABBEY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL Pictured:ROB JAMES-COLLIER as Thomas and MAGGIE SMITH as Violet. Photographer: GILES KEYTE This photograph is (C) CARNIVAL FILMS and can only be reproduced for editorial purposes directly in connection with the programme or event mentioned above, or CARNIVAL FILMS. Once made available by ITV plc Picture Desk, this photograph can be reproduced once only up until the transmission [TX] date and no reproduction fee will be charged. Any subsequent usage may incur a fee. This photograph must not be manipulated [excluding basic cropping] in a manner which alters the visual appearance of the person photographed deemed detrimental or inappropriate by ITV plc Picture Desk. This photograph must not be syndicated to any other company, publication or website, or permanently archived, without the express written permission of ITV Plc Picture Desk.

Paula Deen is up next and she’s dancing to the Gilligan’s Island theme song.  Immediately after they are finished, Tom demands to know where the Professor is. Relax Tom!  This isn’t that serious.  Do you think he’ll ask Hayes where the radioactive material is when he performs to the Ninja Turtles’ theme later?

Bruno has some feedback for Paula that includes snapping his fingers in a perfect beat. I really tune out the judges on this show more than I do with any other.  Can we get Wade Robson on this shit?  Fatima Robinson? Paula Abdul?! I need a dance critic that makes me want to listen to them or one that’s at least as high as I am as we watch this show!  I respect that the current judges are masters in their field but they’re so blah sometimes…

Which is why instead of listening to them I copy and pasted Nick’s face to this picture of Lady Mary with her son and niece!! AWWWWWW!!!!!!!

downNick looks so cute as a (totally fake, not even properly photoshopped) dad!  The I Heart Nick Carter sequel is definitely going to be about Nick trying to figure out how to use a diaper genie…. but I digress…

Tamar is dancing to the Mad Men theme song.  Tamar clearly isn’t feeling the material. She pushes that she be the boss and Val is like, gtfoh.  Val wins. I find myself surprised that this theme music works well with the tango – it’s very dramatic!

Now that there are a few contestants eliminated, we’re getting to see the teams dance for a bit longer.  It makes a noticeable difference and I’m enjoying it.  In the earlier episodes it was harder to get a handle on how a performance was going because you’d blink (or in my case, take a shot of tequila) and it’d be over!

How great would it have been if Nick Carter guest starred as a footman on Downton Abbey?  He’d be used to the height difference after all of these years spent standing next to Howie, Aj, and Brian.

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Tom is giving us some weird, Halloween-inspired emphasis on his words for no reason at all.  It sounds spontaneous but I’m betting he’s practiced these alone in the bathroom (and then cried in a corner for an hour).  Never change Tom.

Alexa and Mark are doing a jazz dance to the Breaking Bad theme (which I can promise you I didn’t know existed even though I watched the show in its entirety… multiple times). They do a skit and pretend they maybe did meth I think.  Alexa is still doing really well at the dancing part of this show but remains woefully behind in the ‘make me care about you’ aspect of it.

Tom: “Well let that be a lesson to the kids at home, cooking meth can make you a great dancer.”  OH OKAY TOM!  Tom discussing smoking meth makes me wonder what Nick would look like at the Downton Abbey dinner table…

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Miss Piggy kisses Derek Hough’s bare chest and I’m here for it. Get it, Miss Piggy!

Andy is up next and for some reason a hell-mouth doesn’t open up below his feet.  I am eternally disappointed in the universe’s inability to carry out acts of such necessity. Andy says, “When I think of Dick Clark,” and this annoys me somehow.  I feel like Andy doesn’t have the credentials to think of Dick Clark, none the less tell us about it on live TV.  I’m determined to say something decent about the pair, so let me say that Andy’s jacket reminds me of bed sheets I had once that were very comfortable.

Alfonso says mean things to Andy and I’m doing the Carlton dance in celebration.

I find myself picturing Nick Carter coming for a surprise visit to the Abbey where he falls in love with Lady Mary Crawley and wears a bowler hat…the eyebrows on their babies would be SO perfect!! ^^

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We’re halfway through the show tonight and I know the title of it is Dancing with the Stars but I continue to be amazed by how little goes on besides the dancing part.  This week, we’re cutting out the Tuesday show, so we’ve effectively eliminated two hours of material – and yet the show doesn’t seem shorter or more cramped in the least.  In fact, it still feels like… well, it feels like you’re watching two hours of dancing.

Gary Busey is dancing to the Addams Family theme song and it suits him perfectly.  The pace of the song is glacial and as a result Gary hits every beat.  I know Gary is going for Gomez Addams but is looking more like a Sacha Baron Cohen character.  Gary lets us know he’s going commando tonight and then tells Erin her vocabulary has expanded. He says this as a genuine compliment and I believe he thinks that it is. I wonder how many different medications they’ve tried on Gary over the years…

But the real question is how would Nick look standing next to Lord Grantham?  Good. He’d look really good.

downton27-jumboThe man looks good in a uniform. I mean…

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Oh… oh what’s that?  This isn’t Downton related, you say?  I can’t hear you from this side of the Atlantic Ocean….

Alek and Lindsay are up next with the True Blood theme song.  One thing you cannot deny is that this song is sick.  It’s dark and brooding and the delivery by Jace Everett is incredibly sexy.  Alek is trying to connect with the sexy of this song by tapping into his own sexiness.  He’s failing and it’s adorable and I hate that he could be siphoning votes from Nick!  That being said, Alek remains the stiffest motherfucker I’ve ever seen. The guy barely moves!  He’s moving his legs and his torso and yet gives off the optical illusion of standing perfectly still. If Alek’s charms are working on you, I promise that the Downton cast would agree with me that Nick is the better choice.

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(Pictured above: Nick being all like “who me?!” *blushes*)

Kim’s stroke story is next and she cannot perform on the show this week.  I want to believe Kim’s stroke is real but mention Kim, cancer, and her wigs to any Real Housewives of Atlanta fan and ..well.. we’ll see if Kim is the person eliminated this week in a convenient wrap up to her Dancing career.  Kim Skypes into the show and the feedback on the mic is trash.  I’m not sure how we haven’t come further in terms of technology, but whatever.  Tony says he’s glad she listened to the doctor and I we understand his relief at never having to carry Kim around the dance floor again.

I could get behind a Thomas/Nick love affair on Downton.. poor Thomas hasn’t had much luck with love over the last 5 seasons.  These two make for a cute couple!  Much cuter than Bindi and Derek.

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Bindi is doing the Jetsons but OH WAIT she had to switch to The Jeffersons’ theme song. Bindi and Derek, in true, corn fed, white people fashion, have never seen an episode of The Jeffersons.  Bindi is facing adversity for the first time and she gets a double dose: she’s also slightly injured her foot.  She remains unwaveringly enthusiastic and I’m starting to wonder if she hasn’t gotten into Gary Busey’s stash.

I picture Nick watching the judges’ measured responses to Bindi like…

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(You: Stop pasting Nick’s face over pictures of the Royal Family, they have nothing to do with this week’s theme!

Me: They’re all British.

You: That’s not the theme!

Me:

hp

You: I hate you.)

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for!  Nick is finally up!

Sharna looks hot in that white hat.  You can tell Nick is working on keeping his posture together during their rehearsals.

The theme music for Downton Abbey is sweeping, passionate, goose-bump-giving perfection.  It’s a clunky intro but once Team SharNick are alone on stage it comes together.  Nick looks like he’s flying across stage.  He doesn’t look like he’s being led the way some of the other dancers are.  Sharna channels Howie D. and winks at Nick once they’re done.

In this image released by PBS, Dan Stevens as Matthew Crawley, left, and Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary are shown in a scene from the second season on

*Sigh* I could watch Nick dancing to Downton music forever.  The judges agree and award Team SharNick four straight 9’s.  Nick breaks a glass in excitement and utters the words ‘mazel tov’ in case we didn’t love him enough already. Nick really looked like royalty in that moment.

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As I said before, Hayes is dancing to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme song.  To reiterate the hopelessness of our future: Hayes is a “Vine star,” works a fist bump into this week’s routine, and will probably try to use a selfie as his passport photo.  There are probably a lot of young girls out there that could never run out of things to say about Hayes so I’m not sure what I could possibly add.  The judges act like judges towards Hayes and the studio audience hates it as usual.  Who are these people in the studio? They would have made for a poor audience at the Colosseum in Ancient Rome, lemme tell ya…

Welp, that’s it for this week.  Now onto the elimination!

To no one’s surprise, Kim is “eliminated” by default and no one that danced today goes home!  Yay(?)!

Need a refresher on voting? We’re here for you weekly!

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wewantyoudwtsYou have ONE HOUR after the show to vote (in your time zone). So vote! Call from 8pm to 11. You can call and vote up to eleven times. ELEVEN.

Online:  You go to ABC.com and it will open at 5pm PT (8pm EST) and stays open till 5pm PT (8pm EST) the next day. The number of votes are limited each week based on the number of contestants left on the show. You’ll be told how many votes you can submit through each format every week. You will have to register an account at ABC.com (Name, email, or Facebook) before you vote. You’ll have to use a proxy though if you’re outside the US, like Hola or another. You can use multiple emails and create multiple accounts to vote if you use different browsers.

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Check back next week for another Dancing With The Stars recap! Next week the theme is most memorable year of your life!

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