Okay folks, it’s time to recap!!
First, let me give a huge shout out to Rose for putting together all of the voting information at the bottom of this post. INSANELY helpful. I am the worst person to be reviewing DWTS because I have no idea how this show works. It has more rules than Monopoly. And I’m referencing the version of Monopoly that doesn’t include all of the made up rules your friends and family try to pretend are real rules but that are never in the actual rule book… but I digress…
So here we are, week 2 of the DWTS hamster wheel – every week there will be dances, every week there will be voting, every week there will be eliminations, and every week there will be Gary Busey being batshit crazy (until he’s eliminated, which can’t come soon enough).
Tonight’s theme is Hometown Glory which is fine I guess. Nick looks like he’s working on a gay pride themed cruise ship so I’m super excited to see what his dance is.
And OH!! Nick is going first!! Yay! Nick looks great. Really, really great. Like this scruffy look suits him.
We’re talking about Nick’s hometown and therefore reflecting a little on his background. We get to see one of his old teachers – which I love. Educators everywhere deserve to be honored and the fact that Nick and the Boys focused on them so heavily in their documentary Show Em What You’re Made Of was a highlight for me.
Holy shit Nick is in bed. And now in white pants!!! I’ve had dreams like this.
Nick and Sharna, pardon me for saying this because I like Lauren a lot, but these two are SO HOT. I’d watch them have sex. Sorry. (I’m not.)
Nick is taking off his shoes so maybe he has the same idea? NO! He looks upset that he missed some steps. I agree with Julianne’s assessment on the messiness of the performance. I dunno what was up with this one – I know nothing about dance – but it looked off. It could be that they’re doing the jive to a song that’s not really jive-y? Bruno still likes Nick, but I still don’t like Bruno. Carrie was the toughest on Nick last week and he deserves it more this week.
Shit, Nick’s forehead vein is coming out. Bad sign.
But he and Sharna are retreating back to the balcony and now we can talk to Erin Andrews – also in white. Very Olivia Pope tonight with all the white clothes. Nick’s forehead vein has receded back to the depths and I feel like I can breathe again.
The judges are merciful and they all award Team SharNick 7s. Not bad for a slip up! Check out the full performance here:
Tom looks like he would rather be anywhere else but hosting this show. I’m not sure I understand why DWTS needs Tom and Erin Andrews. It seems like an excessive number of hosts. Didn’t American Idol used to have two hosts in season one? But DWTS doesn’t have a Ryan Seacrest, I guess. Tom and Erin are like two vessels void of personality.
Paula Deen is up next and wants to redeem herself. From what? She doesn’t say. Viewers are left to assume she wants redemption from her last performance, but we all know what she means: Paula wants to dance her way out of being racist. Good luck with that.
She’s looser tonight than last time. And DAMN Paula can get her leg higher than I can. I don’t wanna know how she uses that talent. Whatever, the judges agree she was better this week but she’s still not good enough to last for long.
Hayes, Hayes, Hayes… Hayes talks a lot about manly things like dirt bikes and about his love of women which makes me worry for his male fragility. It’s like this kid, who volunteered to be a on TV show about dancing, is trying to show you he’s a MAN. Anyway, Hayes picks a song about pick up trucks and driving around or something and he does okay. I wanna know what he does on Vine to be famous but I also …don’t.
Chaka Khan is pretty amazing and I’m so sad that she scored so poorly last week. She definitely did better this week but it doesn’t look like she’ll be around for much longer either. Whatever, she dances to Frank Sinatra so she’s a woman after my own heart. Carrie freaks out because she realizes they need to do a whole new dance tomorrow – which is great, because it proves my point that the rules on this show are terribly confusing. Tom teases her with no inflection in his voice and I’m convinced Tom is just a robot being controlled by someone who is also totally bored with his life.
Tom is asked to climb stairs. Tom hates it.
Have any of you been following our TDS live tweeting? I was in charge last week and made my feelings for Andy clear. Those feelings are simple: I hate him. There’s no real explanation for why I dislike Andy so much, but it’s some combination of his face, his hands, his hair part, and his smugness… I just decided when he appeared on screen for the first time that I would hate him forever. So I’m sticking with that. Fuck Andy. Andy tells us he’s from Upstate New York and I add another bullet point to my ‘reasons I hate Andy’ list. I’m not even gonna talk about his performance cause …yeah, fuck Andy for no reason at all other than I’m a crusty bitch. Billy Joel won’t save you from me, Andy. He just won’t. The judges join me on the Andy hate train and I’m starting to like this show.
Kim Zolciak was awful last week and I love her. She’s not gonna last on the show but I was a big fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta. She talks about how all of her dreams came true in Atlanta and I’m reminded of her getting into heated arguments with Nene Leakes. Kim is trying something different tonight and is actually moving her feet for this performance. Good for Kim and I love the mugging she’s doing for the camera.
Alek is back at it and is on a rocking chair. He’s really playing up this wholesome Americana thing. He’s picks Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing and I approve. Dammit! Alek is sucking me in!! The crowd loves Alek. Lindsay does most of the work here but Alek is doing the heavy lifting (hehehehe, PUN!). Alek is competition. I should hate him as much as I hate Andy but I can’t do it.
I don’t care about Carlos enough to write about him.
I care even less about his wife, cat makeup aside.
Victor has been doing such a crazy good impression of Howie D. it’s scary!! Victor talks about pigs, which I think is a more subtle way to promote The Muppets show that ABC is pushing hard. La Bamba is a great song and it reminds me of Lou Diamond Philips so I’m all about this performance even if Victor sucks at this dancing thing.
Tamar Braxton is good. She didn’t do poorly last week at all but I forgot she was on the show until just now, which says it all. When I see her I hum Unbreak My Heart. That pretty much sums up my feelings on Tamar.
How the fuck is this show 2 hours? And there’s MORE tomorrow? Dammit, ABC, give Shonda Rhimes another show if you’re this desperate to fill your time slots! To put this in perspective: DWTS is longer than the Emmy’s. The Emmy’s honor A YEAR’S WORTH OF EVERY TV SHOW. I can’t with this….
Gary Busey’s nieces think he’s a good actress. I’m down for that.
Real talk: Do you guys think Gary Busey knows he’s on a TV show? I kinda feel like he doesn’t at all. I think Gary wakes up and is escorted places by his handlers and just acts like Gary Busey. He’s probably just as likely to act this way at an IHOP.
“What can I get for you, sir?” “The stars are cosmos and I’d like a plate full of the galaxy…”
I wonder if this is what Britney Spears will be like in 30 years. I’m not even sure it’s fair for me to talk about Gary like this. I’m not sure he should be allowed to be on this show! It’s like if you went to a retirement home and just picked up some random old man from the cafeteria. Instead of eating his second cup of jello, you bring him to a set in LA and make him dance. Are we positive this isn’t how it went down for Gary? I’m not. I’m not positive…
Bindi Irwin is a 17 year old girl. Even when I was a 17 year old girl I hated 17 year old girls. There is SO MUCH PEP. I wanna know who winds her up before she gets in front of the camera. One person cannot sustain this sort of energy unless they’re Evelyn Thomas or doing a lot of cocaine. (Plus points to anyone that gets the Evelyn Thomas reference.) Bindi is super excited to be here and she let us know it with every word she says. When you’re Bindi Irwin, every syllable is followed by an exclamation point. The producers had her dance last because she’s a Contender. She picks an amazing song. Ugh, Bindi is bringing it. Laughter, tears, ENERGY. I think Bindi is Nick’s greatest competition on the show and therefore hope he crushes her soul. Not forever! I’m not that heartless, but I know where my loyalties are!
Annnnnnd the dancer eliminated this week is…..*half-hearted drum roll*……
Chaka Khan!! DAMMIT! How has Victor survived week one?! Ugh, anyway, we soldier on…
Now BE SURE TO VOTE! Your votes will count towards tomorrow’s elimination! Nick is safe tonight but that will not guarantee he won’t go home Tuesday night unless we vote like we’re trying to get him to be the number one video on TRL. Yeah, channel that teenybopper. Forget the number? We’ve got you covered!!
Online: You go to ABC.com and it will open each Monday night at 5pm PT (8pm EST) and stays open till 5pm PT (8pm EST) the next day. The number of votes are limited each week based on the number of contestants left on the show. You’ll be told how many votes you can submit through each format every week. You will have to register an account at ABC.com (Name, email, or Facebook) before you vote. You’ll have to use a proxy though if you’re outside the US, like Hola or another. You can use multiple emails to create several accounts and vote like a crazy person.
Facebook: If you guys have access to multiple Facebook accounts, use them to vote. Voting for Facebook can be done through here – http://apps.facebook.com/votedwts
Check back tomorrow where Rose will be back with a recap of Tuesday’s episode!